Supporting Others in Grief: Dos and Don’ts in Being There for a Friend or Loved One
Experiencing the loss of a loved one is one of life's most profound challenges. It can feel like there are no rules, no time, and sometimes no feeling at all.
Watching someone you care about go through grief brings its own unique pain. You worry about saying the wrong thing or doing something that might make their pain worse. Let’s explore some practical dos and don’ts for supporting someone who’s grieving.
Do: Keep It Simple by Just Being There
There’s no way to “fix” grief, so don’t try. Just be there. Sometimes, on our darkest days, we’re not necessarily looking for light. We just don’t want to be alone in the dark.
Tips for Readers:
Make Your Presence Known: Send flowers, cook a meal they can reheat easily, help with chores, or simply show up with a listening ear.
Offer Specific Help: Instead of asking, “What can I do for you?” offer something specific, like “I’m going to the grocery store- would you like me to pick up some essentials for you and drop it off on my way home?” This takes the logistical burden of making decisions off the grieving person.
Don’t: Ask Everyday Questions Like “How Are You?”
You can probably guess the answer: not good. The point of having close friends is that we don’t have to be fake around them. There’s no need for niceties, and acting like everything’s normal when it’s not can feel devastating to the person grieving.
Tips for Readers:
Ask Specific Questions: Show sensitivity by asking questions like, “How has it been today?” This acknowledges that some days are better than others and helps you uncover how you can support them in the moment.
Inquire About Specific Aspects: Ask about specific areas of their life, such as, “How did you sleep last night?” or “Have you been able to eat today?” This shows care for their well-being without requiring them to sum up their entire emotional state.
Show Interest in Their Day: “What have you been up to today?” or “Have you managed to get some rest?” These questions can make them feel seen and cared for without overwhelming them.
Do: Be Patient and Remain Open to All Kinds of Grief
Some people like to stay busy when grieving; others prefer to curl up at home. However your loved one is grieving today, try not to judge them. You can gently encourage them to do things that help them stay present, like attending an event or engaging in a hobby, but give them grace if they decide against it.
Tips for Readers:
Offer Gentle Encouragement: “I’d love to do an activity together if you’d like some plans this weekend. Can I check back in on Friday?” If they decline, check in throughout the weekend. Going out to do activities might be too much, but sitting in the backyard together with a cup of tea could be just enough.
Respect Their Space: If they need to be alone, let them know it’s okay. You can say, “I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk or need company.”
Stay Flexible: Be open to last-minute changes in plans, understanding that their emotional state might fluctuate.
Don’t: Offer Shallow Positivity
Your loved one likely needs hope right now. However, delivering hope in a way that suggests you’re only comfortable talking about hope and not despair can leave them feeling more alone. Avoid preaching positivity before the timeline of healing is clear. Instead, gently support and empower them while acknowledging how difficult and long grief can be.
Tips for Readers:
Acknowledge Their Struggle: “I’m sorry you’re struggling right now, but I know you’re strong enough to get through this. I’m here for you to lean on.” Support them while acknowledging the difficulty and duration of grief.
Validate Their Feelings: “It’s completely normal to feel this way. I’m here with you through it all.”
Avoid Clichés: Steer clear of phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “Time heals all wounds,” which can feel dismissive.
Do: Speak of the Deceased
Don’t feel like you need to avoid bringing up the person who passed. If condolences don’t feel like enough, talk about how much you’ll personally miss them. Celebrate their memory by sharing your favorite stories.
Tips for Readers:
Share Memories: Yes, it can spark tears, but don’t be afraid of that. Your loved one will likely feel more connected to you, knowing they have someone who gets it. After all, it’s hard to leave someone in the past while the wound is still fresh.
Be Honest About Your Own Grief: “I miss them too. It’s been hard for me as well.” This can create a shared space of mourning and healing.
If your friend or loved one needs more support than you can offer, you may want to suggest that they see a counselor. The new Massachusetts Behavioral Health Helpline offers both resources and a crisis line, and can be reached by calling or texting 833-773-2445, or they can call or text 988, the new national Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
Are you interested in meeting with a therapist at Essential Insights Counseling Center? Call us at 781-693-3200 or schedule your free phone consultation online today!